The Paradox of Instrumental Relationships

Human relationships often fall into the trap of being non-relational, where two individuals collide without genuine contact, mistaking illusions like admiration and desire for true intimacy. This dynamic can be damaging, as we use each other in ways that resemble parasitic relationships rather than symbiotic ones. While we often remain blind to these dynamics in our own lives, literature and art offer a mirror to our experiences, revealing the truth without the filters of self-judgment or pride.

In Zadie Smith's essay collection 'Dead and Alive', she explores these themes through the lens of the film 'Tár'. The protagonist, a narcissistic composer, ends a passionate yet brief affair with a young conductor, Krista, leaving her devastated and gaslighting her to erase the affair's existence. This behavior, termed 'instrumentalism', involves using people as tools to satisfy personal desires, ultimately leaving the user with an emptiness born from an inability to form genuine connections.

The narrative illustrates the painful realization of feeling a deep connection with someone only to find it was trivial to them. The instrumentalizer, like Tár, ends up stripped of defenses, facing the truth of their actions without redemption. The paradox lies in the fact that while the user may erase the experience, the used is left with life and the painful yet real experience of living.

Ultimately, the text argues that true aliveness comes from choosing experience over erasure. While the user may feel powerful in the moment, they lose more than the used, who retains the lived experience. This choice between experience and erasure defines the pulse of life, where denial and deceit lead to a living death.